Rough notes, in no order, as to what has happened since my arrival.
1. First night here, double homicide around the corner. Gang-related. Funeral up the street, cops everywhere. Cops warn ' you should move, this area is not safe. ' Obviously they don't know us.
2. Three different mailing addresses tried, still no mail. It's hard to think that we are paying rent for a place that doesn't even exist. Not according to the Chicago Public Library or Citibank, anyway.
3. I am beginning to think that I don't exist. When we walk from the bus stop to our front door, men gesture and make comments to my girlfriend. Sometimes I look at them with hate, other times I laugh. Sometimes I curse that I am the same gender, the same breed as these dopes.
4. I just counted - 73. That is how many e-mails I have sent out to potential employers. Replies from eight. One with some hope. Hope. That's a word I am losing faith in.
5. The lady we are subleasing our apartment from didn't pay her gas bill. Nine days since we could last fry, boil, or bake anything. Eight days since I felt the warmth of a real shower.
6. I judge. In the neighbourhood we live in, you have to. It's not that I am a bigot, it's that I am afraid.
7. Living with someone for the first time is an incredible experience. Fighting with someone for the first time, however, is not.
8. Neither is having to put back groceries. You know, when you just can't find all the change.
9. I am loved here, and I am loved from afar. I am loved out of desire, and I am loved out of duty. I really don't care why you do, just keep doing it. I'll figure out why someday.
10. I have no idea how to change the light bulb in the kitchen, dear. Just keep using the light from microwave and the fridge to see what you are doing.
11. After travelling on many buses, spending countless hours at the library and through our impoverished neighbourhood, I am noticing how many unfit mothers there are. The next time I hear one swear at their two year old, or smack them on the face, I am going to lose it. Seriously.1. First night here, double homicide around the corner. Gang-related. Funeral up the street, cops everywhere. Cops warn ' you should move, this area is not safe. ' Obviously they don't know us.
2. Three different mailing addresses tried, still no mail. It's hard to think that we are paying rent for a place that doesn't even exist. Not according to the Chicago Public Library or Citibank, anyway.
3. I am beginning to think that I don't exist. When we walk from the bus stop to our front door, men gesture and make comments to my girlfriend. Sometimes I look at them with hate, other times I laugh. Sometimes I curse that I am the same gender, the same breed as these dopes.
4. I just counted - 73. That is how many e-mails I have sent out to potential employers. Replies from eight. One with some hope. Hope. That's a word I am losing faith in.
5. The lady we are subleasing our apartment from didn't pay her gas bill. Nine days since we could last fry, boil, or bake anything. Eight days since I felt the warmth of a real shower.
6. I judge. In the neighbourhood we live in, you have to. It's not that I am a bigot, it's that I am afraid.
7. Living with someone for the first time is an incredible experience. Fighting with someone for the first time, however, is not.
8. Neither is having to put back groceries. You know, when you just can't find all the change.
9. I am loved here, and I am loved from afar. I am loved out of desire, and I am loved out of duty. I really don't care why you do, just keep doing it. I'll figure out why someday.
10. I have no idea how to change the light bulb in the kitchen, dear. Just keep using the light from microwave and the fridge to see what you are doing.
12. I hear the oddest things on the bus. Girls talking about bowel movements. Drunk teens talking about their drunk parents. Men talking about my girlfriend. You know, normal stuff.
13. I miss meat, but I won't start eating it again. Seriously, meat is all around. Everywhere. Gimme gimme.
14. I have work to do. All over. Just give me time.
No comments:
Post a Comment